St. George’s Hall, Bradford. Support: James Acaster
Going to see Milton Jones live would be a little bit of a punt for me. Most of the comedians I’ve seen on stage live and been happy to shell out twenty quid for have been comedians I’ve seen a lot on the telly or have got a DVD of, such as the excellent Tim Vine. Though I’d only seen a few appearances of Londoner Milton Jones on shows such as ‘Mock The Week’ I was pretty confident he had my sort of humour, specialising in the one-liners that the aforementioned Tim Vine has specialised in with the sort of pun-trading, surreal-scenario setting, loud-out-loud humour that I most enjoy. And I wasn’t to be disappointed.
It also didn’t do any harm that the gig was happening with a ten minute walk from my front door so off on Saturday night to St. George’s Hall I went, for a pleasant view of the stage from up on the grand tier, even if the seats weren’t exactly built for the build of a 21st Century male who hasn’t been to the gym in a few months, with immovable arm rests hemming you into the seats and so little leg room I would have preferred to wrap my calves around the gentleman in front of me and forgo the norms of society, than to be squeezed into the seat.
But, the minor issues of the seats wasn’t enough to put me off what was an enjoyable, and good value, night of comedy.
It was also one of the most unusual openings of a comedy show yet with two support acts.
The first opener was billed as Milton Jones’ granddad, walking onto the sparse stage with just a few par can lights and a projector screen, with a shopping trolley and a limp. It would be stating the obvious for me to mention who the act really was but it was a great twist on the opening of a gig, with twenty minutes of quick-fire puns and a great bit of schtick about starting the act again everytime a late-comer walked in that, maybe went on one-time too many, but had a great pay-off at the end and the joke used, with a reference to Bradford thrown in, was a classic.
With some use of props thrown in for good measure it was a great start to the show and, though only really a taster of what was to come, was a quality bit of comedy to whet the audience’s appetite, an audience that throughout the night flip-flopped between members of the audience who would happily shout out but not interact with Milton when he replied, or others that were just shouting off random bits at random moments, but to the comedians credit he dealt with them to great comic effect.
The real support was comedian James Acaster, a down-beat, self-effacing comedian whose considerable forty minute set-time seemed to start with jokes mostly about food but his subject matter was all great and his jokes very funny. Although his delivery was meant to be sombre it was well executed none-the-less, following on from Milton’s granddad routine, it didn’t have the energy needed to keep the night buzzing, so at about twenty-five minutes into the set it began to lose momentum and some interactions with the front row seemed to ignore the majority of the room and it lost its flow. However, James made up for it with a corking concluding visual demonstration on stage, using a willing participant who seemed to be more than happy to play along, filled with cracking visual jokes and witty lines. As the act took us up to the fifteen minute interval it wasn’t the most exciting of supports to get us in the mood, being quite laid back and slow in the delivery, but James Acaster was definitely one of the best support acts I’ve seen for his material and fitted Milton’s style well.
After the interval it was onto the main act and Milton’s set was as funny as I could hope for. Seventy minutes of perfectly delivered one-liners, his jokes were both surreal but very, very funny. He echoed back at times to both the support acts to milk jokes that you thought had run out of steam but were made funny once again, and his ten-minute skit on photo slides, with its surprise interlude, was the highlight of the night. As mentioned before Milton jostled well with the crowd who, though enjoying the night, weren’t that responsive to his banter and he also used trios of jokes, scattered throughout the show, to great effect, with the shampoo / shamrock / champagne triplet absolutely amazing.
With some nicely added in local place names scattered throughout his set, and a series of hilarious OHP slides and connected jokes delivered perfectly, the crowd was in hysterics for much of his set and, even though the punchline of the joke was obvious, others were much more surreal and others falsely leading you in the wrong direction.
Not many comedians could pull off a gig where the title just refers to a one-off joke near the start of his set, but although there was little narrative pulling the whole show together it stayed firmly on track and the huge range of jokes from everything from jokes on the United Nations to Dr Who to Wales, there was much to enjoy.
Milton threw in two quick encores with more fast-paced one-liners, bringing to the end of quality show of really funny jokes that mostly hit their marks, plus it was totally family friendly as well. It was just a shame the audience members that were so keen to shout up to be involved didn’t follow up their initial confidence.
Definitely one for a DVD purchase or a live gig if you can still get tickets for any!
9/10
Saturday 26 November 2011
Sunday 20 November 2011
Super Mario 3D Land (3DS) Review #supermario3dland
It’s always been a truth that, as long as there has been cinema, there have been film executives with a love of a good pun. Not that I can blame them; I’m not completely shy about doing some punnage myself. Hence why there have been films such as ‘Cradle 2 The Grave’, emphasising it’s the second film. Connected to this it has always been difficult for film makers to steer away from the obvious marketing ploy of making the third film in a series in 3D so they can slap a ‘D’ on the end of the title and hope that the audience chuckle a little whilst consuming their expensive tub of popcorn and losing patience with the idiots three rows back texting their mates.
Clue: they don’t.
It’s obvious in films such as the classic (I use it in the sense of old, of course) Jaws 3D and the upcoming Men In Black 3D, plus countless examples that I can’t name because my brain appears to have blocked them out. Therefore it follows that the new Super Mario game for the 3DS, Super Mario 3D Land, is a 3D version of Super Mario Bros 3. from the end of the eighties.
The first Mario platformer for Nintendo’s new-ish and struggling glasses-free 3D bag of tricks handheld console should be the shot in the arm that the 3DS needs, coming two weeks before the second cup of revitalising coffee that will be Mario Kart 7. You cannot deny that the 3DS is a powerful piece of kit with impressive 3D, augmented reality, StreetPass, 3D photographs and loads of other bells and whistles, but it’s hardly been well endowed in the games department and has annoyed fans with price drops, sticking two fingers up to early adopters, even if they have been offered a sticking plaster of a solution in the name of twenty free retro games.
So it seems the fat plumber has arrived in time to cheer up Nintendo’s ailing spreadsheets in the run up to the Christmas period.
Super Mario 3D Land, the title of preference by dyslexics it would seem (surely Super Mario Land 3D, or does that bring back too many memories of the Game Boy?), is an unusual beast in that it plays like a 2D platformer in the spirit of the classic NES and SNES games but with a three-dimensional twist. Not, like in the case of Super Mario 64, Sunshine, Galaxy and Galaxy 2 in that you can roam wherever you want, but on a linear path like the original expanded into a 3D environment, like if the horsepower of the N64 was mated with the stallion that was Super Mario Bros. 3. Though you are restricted to one path, there is some freedom to move around so it doesn’t often feel like you are ‘on rails’.
It’s a full retro trip for longstanding Mario fans like myself. All the hallmarks of Mario 3 are there – arguably the highlight of the Mario platformers – along with other nods to other episodes, from the classic level end flagpole from the first platformer, to the countdown clock, to the retro powers including the Tanooki suit (here, for the most part, as a cut down raccoon power up but with the full suit), plus loads of classic baddies.
There’s a great video on YouTube I saw that matched up scenes from old Mario games to almost note-perfect replicas in 3D in this game, showing the attention to detail for older fans given by the development team.
But it’s not all old, as we sees two brand new power ups in the forms of Boomerang Mario and the Propeller Block, plus new enemies, and the general feeling that it’s ‘Super Mario Galaxy’ in platform form, with some challenges mirrored from that game.
At this point I’d normally discuss the plot of the game but that would be just a waste of ASCII as, as always, the scriptwriters have not been original. But, that just means more time to get on with the game. Here you are presented with eight worlds of five levels each, a mixture of grass levels, underground ones, a few water levels, castles, airships, ghost houses and other staples of the Mario level canon. Taking its cue from the Galaxy games most levels are presented as floating in the sky, leading this to be one of the most palm-sweating-inducing Mario games in a long time as you know that one mis-timed jump means death.
But thankfully the controls of the game are as tight as ever, with jumps and movement so fluid you cannot fault the system, helped by the impressive glasses-free 3D that really gives the game a sense of death. The 3D has always been impressive on the Nintendo system and though, for the most part, it’s unobtrusive, there are times when things come at the screen or you are falling down vertical levels, that it’s really quite awe-inspiring and actually adds an extra level of fear to falling down those heights. The levels that utilise slides are particularly note worthy and, with some bonuses only possible by using the 3D, you’d be a fool to play it without it even though, as I’d forgotten, it drains the juice out of the power-hungry and under-capacitated 3DS battery faster than a hungry man at a poorly-stocked fridge.
Though the basic premise of each level is the same – get from the start to the final flagpole whilst collecting coins, avoiding enemies and picking up power-ups along the way, and ensuring you hit the half-way marker to save your progress – each episode is unique with a different enemy, or obstacle, or theme that keeps it fresh, be it a rollercoaster through Bowser’s castle, blocks that appear and disappear with the beat of the music, or running across a bridge avoiding Cheep-Cheeps. There are also three star coins on each level to collect which allow you to unlock secret levels as you progress.
So is the game any good? Well it’s a resounding yes. Graphically the game is amazing, being as good as anything the Wii has pulled off. The 3D works marvellously – and is changeable from pop-out to depth depending on your preference – and adds peril to otherwise calm levels. There are graphical tweaks such as footprints in snow and sand, birds that shed feathers and much more. The controls couldn’t be more perfect. The music – a mixture of old and new songs – are just as catchy as they’ve always been, and the levels are inventive and the enemies intriguing, even if the humble Koopa Troopa gets very little screen time.
There is even a great throwback to Mario 3 with the screwed on scenery plus wooden cut-outs of baddies, which though random has a reason behind it which I won’t spoil here.
The most exciting about the game, though, is that the final boss is the first decent battle with Bowser in ages. Though the ending of ‘New Super Mario Bros Wii’ was a great battle and dramatic, it was one of many that were short, unimaginative and simple. This one beats that with more tension, false-ends and peril. Sure, it’s not massively difficult, but I consider myself a good player and it was exciting to play.
Difficulty wise the game is more of a challenge than other reviewers have said. It’s certainly not Super Mario Bros 3 or Super Mario Galaxy 2 difficult but it’s not a walk in the park. It’s just a shame that Nintendo keep liberally splashing coins and 1 Ups around so a ‘Game Over’ is never a likely outcome. They have thrown in two helps for less-able players with five deaths in a level allowing you to complete the level invincible; ten deaths sees the return of the P-Wing, now an immediate transport to the final flag.
There are a few bug-bears in the game, more down to personal preference. I still want the return of the Super Mario World-style overmap as that was great to explore, and the secret exits to levels were amazing; the star coins are, in the most, not that difficult to find; and the end world bosses are all very similar without the imagination of the Koopalings.
But these are just minor criticisms when you consider how much fun the game is to play. There are so many smile moments they’re difficult to count, from the ending of world 1-3, I think it was? – with its extreme retro throwback; the funny cut-scenes between worlds with images you can save to your SD card; and the impressive mix of graphics, challenge, 3D and music.
Plus there are very few games that would just have a random power-up, appearing in one of the last levels of the main game, in one third of one level. Most would milk it to its worth; here Nintendo allow you to enjoy it while it lasts, like it’s the 2011 Kuribo’s shoe.
And you’ll notice there that I said main game. Without spoiling too much, once you complete the first eight worlds – which took me eight hours to complete with all the star coins – you do get some extra, more challenging levels, a power-up wrong is righted, time attack challenges are made available, and some more surprises that I won’t spoil here – so although I’ve not done them all it’s not unreasonable that you’ll get fifteen hours out of this game with all the levels and star coins, and that’s not before you get to challenging your mates to beat your times. Which isn’t bad for what is a platformer and not an open-ended sandbox game.
With this game you can also throw in StreetPass assist, with friends you bump into on the street with the game giving you power-ups, even though it’s not an amazing feature.
Overall, Super Mario 3D Land is pretty much everything you’d want from a new Mario game. There’s plenty of challenge; a lot of retro love for the longstanding fan; a game that not only looks beautiful but plays beautiful, sounds beautiful and makes excellent use of the 3DS’ main selling point; and lots of content for a game you’ll be dipping in and out of for a while.
Until Mario Kart 7 comes out anyway.
But, most importantly, the game is just plain fun and it makes you smile, which is something a lot of games in 2011 just lack.
9.5/10
Clue: they don’t.
It’s obvious in films such as the classic (I use it in the sense of old, of course) Jaws 3D and the upcoming Men In Black 3D, plus countless examples that I can’t name because my brain appears to have blocked them out. Therefore it follows that the new Super Mario game for the 3DS, Super Mario 3D Land, is a 3D version of Super Mario Bros 3. from the end of the eighties.
The first Mario platformer for Nintendo’s new-ish and struggling glasses-free 3D bag of tricks handheld console should be the shot in the arm that the 3DS needs, coming two weeks before the second cup of revitalising coffee that will be Mario Kart 7. You cannot deny that the 3DS is a powerful piece of kit with impressive 3D, augmented reality, StreetPass, 3D photographs and loads of other bells and whistles, but it’s hardly been well endowed in the games department and has annoyed fans with price drops, sticking two fingers up to early adopters, even if they have been offered a sticking plaster of a solution in the name of twenty free retro games.
So it seems the fat plumber has arrived in time to cheer up Nintendo’s ailing spreadsheets in the run up to the Christmas period.
Super Mario 3D Land, the title of preference by dyslexics it would seem (surely Super Mario Land 3D, or does that bring back too many memories of the Game Boy?), is an unusual beast in that it plays like a 2D platformer in the spirit of the classic NES and SNES games but with a three-dimensional twist. Not, like in the case of Super Mario 64, Sunshine, Galaxy and Galaxy 2 in that you can roam wherever you want, but on a linear path like the original expanded into a 3D environment, like if the horsepower of the N64 was mated with the stallion that was Super Mario Bros. 3. Though you are restricted to one path, there is some freedom to move around so it doesn’t often feel like you are ‘on rails’.
It’s a full retro trip for longstanding Mario fans like myself. All the hallmarks of Mario 3 are there – arguably the highlight of the Mario platformers – along with other nods to other episodes, from the classic level end flagpole from the first platformer, to the countdown clock, to the retro powers including the Tanooki suit (here, for the most part, as a cut down raccoon power up but with the full suit), plus loads of classic baddies.
There’s a great video on YouTube I saw that matched up scenes from old Mario games to almost note-perfect replicas in 3D in this game, showing the attention to detail for older fans given by the development team.
But it’s not all old, as we sees two brand new power ups in the forms of Boomerang Mario and the Propeller Block, plus new enemies, and the general feeling that it’s ‘Super Mario Galaxy’ in platform form, with some challenges mirrored from that game.
At this point I’d normally discuss the plot of the game but that would be just a waste of ASCII as, as always, the scriptwriters have not been original. But, that just means more time to get on with the game. Here you are presented with eight worlds of five levels each, a mixture of grass levels, underground ones, a few water levels, castles, airships, ghost houses and other staples of the Mario level canon. Taking its cue from the Galaxy games most levels are presented as floating in the sky, leading this to be one of the most palm-sweating-inducing Mario games in a long time as you know that one mis-timed jump means death.
But thankfully the controls of the game are as tight as ever, with jumps and movement so fluid you cannot fault the system, helped by the impressive glasses-free 3D that really gives the game a sense of death. The 3D has always been impressive on the Nintendo system and though, for the most part, it’s unobtrusive, there are times when things come at the screen or you are falling down vertical levels, that it’s really quite awe-inspiring and actually adds an extra level of fear to falling down those heights. The levels that utilise slides are particularly note worthy and, with some bonuses only possible by using the 3D, you’d be a fool to play it without it even though, as I’d forgotten, it drains the juice out of the power-hungry and under-capacitated 3DS battery faster than a hungry man at a poorly-stocked fridge.
Though the basic premise of each level is the same – get from the start to the final flagpole whilst collecting coins, avoiding enemies and picking up power-ups along the way, and ensuring you hit the half-way marker to save your progress – each episode is unique with a different enemy, or obstacle, or theme that keeps it fresh, be it a rollercoaster through Bowser’s castle, blocks that appear and disappear with the beat of the music, or running across a bridge avoiding Cheep-Cheeps. There are also three star coins on each level to collect which allow you to unlock secret levels as you progress.
So is the game any good? Well it’s a resounding yes. Graphically the game is amazing, being as good as anything the Wii has pulled off. The 3D works marvellously – and is changeable from pop-out to depth depending on your preference – and adds peril to otherwise calm levels. There are graphical tweaks such as footprints in snow and sand, birds that shed feathers and much more. The controls couldn’t be more perfect. The music – a mixture of old and new songs – are just as catchy as they’ve always been, and the levels are inventive and the enemies intriguing, even if the humble Koopa Troopa gets very little screen time.
There is even a great throwback to Mario 3 with the screwed on scenery plus wooden cut-outs of baddies, which though random has a reason behind it which I won’t spoil here.
The most exciting about the game, though, is that the final boss is the first decent battle with Bowser in ages. Though the ending of ‘New Super Mario Bros Wii’ was a great battle and dramatic, it was one of many that were short, unimaginative and simple. This one beats that with more tension, false-ends and peril. Sure, it’s not massively difficult, but I consider myself a good player and it was exciting to play.
Difficulty wise the game is more of a challenge than other reviewers have said. It’s certainly not Super Mario Bros 3 or Super Mario Galaxy 2 difficult but it’s not a walk in the park. It’s just a shame that Nintendo keep liberally splashing coins and 1 Ups around so a ‘Game Over’ is never a likely outcome. They have thrown in two helps for less-able players with five deaths in a level allowing you to complete the level invincible; ten deaths sees the return of the P-Wing, now an immediate transport to the final flag.
There are a few bug-bears in the game, more down to personal preference. I still want the return of the Super Mario World-style overmap as that was great to explore, and the secret exits to levels were amazing; the star coins are, in the most, not that difficult to find; and the end world bosses are all very similar without the imagination of the Koopalings.
But these are just minor criticisms when you consider how much fun the game is to play. There are so many smile moments they’re difficult to count, from the ending of world 1-3, I think it was? – with its extreme retro throwback; the funny cut-scenes between worlds with images you can save to your SD card; and the impressive mix of graphics, challenge, 3D and music.
Plus there are very few games that would just have a random power-up, appearing in one of the last levels of the main game, in one third of one level. Most would milk it to its worth; here Nintendo allow you to enjoy it while it lasts, like it’s the 2011 Kuribo’s shoe.
And you’ll notice there that I said main game. Without spoiling too much, once you complete the first eight worlds – which took me eight hours to complete with all the star coins – you do get some extra, more challenging levels, a power-up wrong is righted, time attack challenges are made available, and some more surprises that I won’t spoil here – so although I’ve not done them all it’s not unreasonable that you’ll get fifteen hours out of this game with all the levels and star coins, and that’s not before you get to challenging your mates to beat your times. Which isn’t bad for what is a platformer and not an open-ended sandbox game.
With this game you can also throw in StreetPass assist, with friends you bump into on the street with the game giving you power-ups, even though it’s not an amazing feature.
Overall, Super Mario 3D Land is pretty much everything you’d want from a new Mario game. There’s plenty of challenge; a lot of retro love for the longstanding fan; a game that not only looks beautiful but plays beautiful, sounds beautiful and makes excellent use of the 3DS’ main selling point; and lots of content for a game you’ll be dipping in and out of for a while.
Until Mario Kart 7 comes out anyway.
But, most importantly, the game is just plain fun and it makes you smile, which is something a lot of games in 2011 just lack.
9.5/10
Sunday 13 November 2011
Ho Ho Ho…w early? This year’s Christmas adverts – the verdict! Part One
Yes, I’m fully aware it is still only November but, if you watch commercial television, you can’t have failed to have noticed the glut of shops thrusting their 2011 Christmas adverts in your face. So which are cracking and which are turkeys? Let’s find out.
Marks and Spencer aka “It Hasn’t Got The X-Factor”
Now, I need some clarification with this. Is it advertising Britain’s premium food and clothing shop or is it a sixty-second love letter and free publicity to the X-Factor? Yes, the good old Marks and Sparks adverts have often featured celebrities but no one quite this, erm, current. I can’t deny their version of the Disney classic ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ is good, if not a little bit scatter gun because of the range of the voices.
Already staying current has bitten them in the behind as Frankie, who has now left the X Factor because of snow of a different kind, it’s had to be edited from the version above.
With footage of the X Factor finalists mixed in with the necessary cross section of demographics unwrapping presents, I would say it doesn’t necessarily feel that Christmassy to me. Or maybe it’s because it’s still mid-November.
Not a bad advert but it doesn’t really have the X-Factor. [4 / 10]
Ann Summers, aka “Phwoar-ing but Boring”
Taking the form of another sort of talent competition, this advert will not surprise you. Consisting of everything you’d think would appear in an Ann Summers advert: slow motion cameras showing various aspects of their bodies, sexy underwear, provocative dancemoves, a rabbit (no, a real one, not *that* one) I wouldn’t say it’s particularly Christmassy. There’s no tinsel or trees to be seen, no snow sensually rubbed off flesh and no sign of any kissing under the mistletoe.
I’m not going to complain about two minutes and ten seconds of scantily clad amateur models appearing on my TV screen and, you know, if this was what Christmas is about I’m not going to moan either, but it’s not particular festive beyond the heavy use of the colour red. And the least said about the dance / techno backing music the better, unless Santa has invested in a pair of decks and Tracktor. [4/10]
John Lewis, aka “Nice Twist, Shame about the Morrissey”
To be honest, I could stop writing about this record after revealing its first achievement in that the cover of a Smiths song actually makes it sound good, even if it’s as depressing a song as you expect from a Morrissey penned ditty. Frankly, Santa would find himself on valium listening to this tune.
The advert sets up a simple story of a boy waiting around, not for something to actually happen in the video as I initially expected, but for Christmas so he can give a present to his parents, a neat twist on the expectation that he’s waiting for Christmas. The story is told well and the little twist is great and it’s the most Christmas-y of the adverts so far, capturing that excitement of Christmas Day you have as a kid.
Just pick a more cheerful song next time, John Lewis. Ellie Goulding’s murdering of the Elton John classic last year should have been enough for you! [6/10]
Littlewoods, aka “Anti-men, Illusion shattering Urban pantomime”
Santa is dead. That is according to this Littlewood’s advert. No longer is it a jolly fat man dressed in red who comes down your chimney, leaves you gifts and then sods off with his magical flying reindeer. No, it’s your mum. In her old slippers, with a mug of coffee in her hand and a sense of worry over the credit card bill rattling around in her head.
Laying thanks to Christmas at the door of mums everywhere instead of Santa – and, of course, fuelling the anti-feminists with the sentiment that, of course, no dads do the present shopping – it takes the form of a school pantomime where instead of celebrating the birth of Christ in a gorgeous nativity scene or perhaps recreating the three bears, the kids all grasp hold of the commercial side of Christmas with talk of X-Box consoles and watches. Oh, and let’s not forget to street it up with the token black child and the obligatory street hand gesture. Bo.
So within forty seconds we get sexism, casual racial stereotyping, and the shattering of the fantasy of Santa’s exciting. Great work Littlewoods. At least the song is catchy though, but mostly thanks to the amount of people in the audience whose names luckily rhyme. [3/10]
Boots, aka “Mission Charlie’s Angels Impossible”
With a cracking adaptation of the established Boots / Sugababes “Girls” theme to make it sound like it has come straight out of a James Bond film, this is possible the wittiest and most interesting advert so far this year, with lots of shots of the aforementioned girls planting presents around without being spotted before achieving a white Christmas through the use of a snow cannon and enough lights to cripple your electricity budget for the next ten millennia.
With enough movie pastiches to keep even the most ardent movie fan happy, it’s not very traditionally Christmas but at least it has snow and fairy lights. And a happy, up-tempo, tune. About fifty percent there on the festive stakes. [6.5/10]
I’ll be reviewing more adverts soon but at the moment none of the above come anywhere close to the ultimate festive classic…
Marks and Spencer aka “It Hasn’t Got The X-Factor”
Now, I need some clarification with this. Is it advertising Britain’s premium food and clothing shop or is it a sixty-second love letter and free publicity to the X-Factor? Yes, the good old Marks and Sparks adverts have often featured celebrities but no one quite this, erm, current. I can’t deny their version of the Disney classic ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ is good, if not a little bit scatter gun because of the range of the voices.
Already staying current has bitten them in the behind as Frankie, who has now left the X Factor because of snow of a different kind, it’s had to be edited from the version above.
With footage of the X Factor finalists mixed in with the necessary cross section of demographics unwrapping presents, I would say it doesn’t necessarily feel that Christmassy to me. Or maybe it’s because it’s still mid-November.
Not a bad advert but it doesn’t really have the X-Factor. [4 / 10]
Ann Summers, aka “Phwoar-ing but Boring”
Taking the form of another sort of talent competition, this advert will not surprise you. Consisting of everything you’d think would appear in an Ann Summers advert: slow motion cameras showing various aspects of their bodies, sexy underwear, provocative dancemoves, a rabbit (no, a real one, not *that* one) I wouldn’t say it’s particularly Christmassy. There’s no tinsel or trees to be seen, no snow sensually rubbed off flesh and no sign of any kissing under the mistletoe.
I’m not going to complain about two minutes and ten seconds of scantily clad amateur models appearing on my TV screen and, you know, if this was what Christmas is about I’m not going to moan either, but it’s not particular festive beyond the heavy use of the colour red. And the least said about the dance / techno backing music the better, unless Santa has invested in a pair of decks and Tracktor. [4/10]
John Lewis, aka “Nice Twist, Shame about the Morrissey”
To be honest, I could stop writing about this record after revealing its first achievement in that the cover of a Smiths song actually makes it sound good, even if it’s as depressing a song as you expect from a Morrissey penned ditty. Frankly, Santa would find himself on valium listening to this tune.
The advert sets up a simple story of a boy waiting around, not for something to actually happen in the video as I initially expected, but for Christmas so he can give a present to his parents, a neat twist on the expectation that he’s waiting for Christmas. The story is told well and the little twist is great and it’s the most Christmas-y of the adverts so far, capturing that excitement of Christmas Day you have as a kid.
Just pick a more cheerful song next time, John Lewis. Ellie Goulding’s murdering of the Elton John classic last year should have been enough for you! [6/10]
Littlewoods, aka “Anti-men, Illusion shattering Urban pantomime”
Santa is dead. That is according to this Littlewood’s advert. No longer is it a jolly fat man dressed in red who comes down your chimney, leaves you gifts and then sods off with his magical flying reindeer. No, it’s your mum. In her old slippers, with a mug of coffee in her hand and a sense of worry over the credit card bill rattling around in her head.
Laying thanks to Christmas at the door of mums everywhere instead of Santa – and, of course, fuelling the anti-feminists with the sentiment that, of course, no dads do the present shopping – it takes the form of a school pantomime where instead of celebrating the birth of Christ in a gorgeous nativity scene or perhaps recreating the three bears, the kids all grasp hold of the commercial side of Christmas with talk of X-Box consoles and watches. Oh, and let’s not forget to street it up with the token black child and the obligatory street hand gesture. Bo.
So within forty seconds we get sexism, casual racial stereotyping, and the shattering of the fantasy of Santa’s exciting. Great work Littlewoods. At least the song is catchy though, but mostly thanks to the amount of people in the audience whose names luckily rhyme. [3/10]
Boots, aka “Mission Charlie’s Angels Impossible”
With a cracking adaptation of the established Boots / Sugababes “Girls” theme to make it sound like it has come straight out of a James Bond film, this is possible the wittiest and most interesting advert so far this year, with lots of shots of the aforementioned girls planting presents around without being spotted before achieving a white Christmas through the use of a snow cannon and enough lights to cripple your electricity budget for the next ten millennia.
With enough movie pastiches to keep even the most ardent movie fan happy, it’s not very traditionally Christmas but at least it has snow and fairy lights. And a happy, up-tempo, tune. About fifty percent there on the festive stakes. [6.5/10]
I’ll be reviewing more adverts soon but at the moment none of the above come anywhere close to the ultimate festive classic…
Thursday 10 November 2011
Review: Voyage to the Prohibited Planet
Voyage to the Prohibited Planet
Thursday 10th November 2011; Theatre In The Mill
Engine Oil. he Tiger, The Wizard and the Closet. Cold Mikado. Alternative titles to musicals that there could be, but it was ‘Voyage to the Prohibited Planet’ that BUSOM – Bradford University Society of Operettas and Musicals - chose as the title of their latest production, a scratch based on the 1980s musical ‘Return to the Forbidden Planet’ which, itself, is based on the 1950s movie ‘Forbidden Planet’ which, just to add another layer of confusion, is based on Shakespeare’s play ‘The Tempest’.
(Though I’m pretty sure there are no aliens with boppers on their heads, robots or 12-foot space creatures in Shakespeare’s play, but please let me know if I’m wrong).
The musical tells the story of a surveying crew of space pilots who, under the command of Captain Tempest, enter a meteor storm and have to land on the planet D’illyria, where they meet Doctor Prospero, a mad scientist, and his daughter and robot, attracted by his promise to fix their ship. Through their encounters on the planet they learn about Doctor Prospero’s mysterious mind-altering ‘X Factor’ formulation and how the science officer is actually his long-lost wife, plus fight against a 12-foot monster that enters through the airlock.
Throughout the dialogue the musical is peppered with 1950s and 1960s rock ‘n’ roll tunes.
So, with a nice pint of real cider in hand, I wandered up into the theatre to witness the BUSOM production, their first since their recent 24-hour show production of ‘Fame’. And whereas that performance was peppered with forgotten lines, missed cues and improvisation – run of the mill when you consider the nature of how long they had to learn the piece and no reflection on how much fun it was to watch – this was a much slicker affair with minimal set – it amounted to nothing more than a dozen chairs, some music stands and a black curtain – but a lot of fun to be had and some impressive sound and lighting effects scattered through it.
The opening of the musical was possible the most unusual that I’d been to with the cast encouraging everyone to put their hands on their head and make raspberry sounds in the style of an aeroplane safety briefing. Nothing like breaking the ice there. And for those of you wondering why, it would be explained later.
It was then onto the main production with James Howe taking the lead role of Captain Tempest, possessing possible the biggest, if you mind the pun, visual joke of the evening, wearing a metallic badge on his jumper that looked like a, er, rocket with two large exhaust bits. If you’ve seen the second Austin Powers film you’ll know what I’m getting at. If you haven’t then you are in possession of a clean mind and I salute you!
His costume was one of a handful of remarkable tops, from the three ‘aliens’ covered in green body paint and boppers to Stuart’s remarkably genuine looking Star Trek top. If I didn’t know better I’d say he had it already in his wardrobe when the musical was planned, but that’s only a guess. But I’m right.
As Captain Tempest James was a well-chosen lead, with a good sense of humour in his acting and a good voice to carry off the tracks, even if he did have to rely on a folder for some lines and music, a technique carried over from the 24-hour show and used by a lot of the cast during the piece, which I wasn’t expecting as they usually are good at being script-less.
His duet on the classic ‘It’s A Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World’ with Anna Garlick as science officer Gloria was both funny and well executed and Anna’s performance throughout the show was a highlight, proving to be an exceptional character actor and very funny visually, whilst also being able to carry off the songs.
It was after this song that the effort put into the effects in the production showed off, with great used of strobe and sound effects to really simulate a ship in distress, and it was always inevitable when casting Daniel Ratcliffe and Stuart Sellens as redshirts, that they’d both get killed throughout the course of the play, with Daniel being the first of several victims to the monster.
As the musical continued on there was one thing that annoyed me about it, and that’s more down to the nature of the musical and the truncated form, rather than BUSOM’S performance of it, but it reminded by of the musical ‘We Will Rock You’ which I had the mixed-pleasure of seeing a while ago, where songs are set-up awkwardly in the script with lines such as ‘We’re going to crash. Great balls of fire!’ being the Forbidden Planet equivalent of ‘To get there, we have to cross the Seven Seas of Rhye – queue song!’. But that’s a bugbear of my own and more, as I say, down to the nature of the play.
This did at least have the improvement over the Queen musical in having a backing chorus of aliens and no bastardised lyrics of ‘Radio Ga Ga’, though some of the songs were tweaked here and there to fit in with the plot.
We now got to the point of the ship crashing on the planet, with Dave Jennings as Prospero once more diving into the deliciously evil role with gusto, managing to keep his performance just on the right side of hamming it up but also being one of the strongest male singers of the evening. Naomi Fowler got to play robot Ariel 5000 – which sounds to me like a really powerful detergent or a futuristic Little Mermaid, but I digress – being intentionally very robotic in her performance and being happy to stand on stage with painted card strapped in front of her and a Chinese take-away container on her head.
(We’ve all been there of course, just not necessarily in front of an audience, just at home after FND).
Rachel Mitchell played Miranda, Prospero’s daughter, reprising her smitten-teenager role from the 24-hour show and being even better at it, being possibly the most enthusiastic and believable character on the stage. I hope to see more of her in future productions as she has really excelled in her two appearances so far.
It was also at this point that Joel Blakemore, the ship’s Shakespeare-spouting chef ‘Cookie’, came into his own, once more proving he’s worth being cast with another hilarious portrayal of a down-on-his-luck character, thoroughly geeking it up with his performance, use of Sonic Screwdriver, and ability to collapse on stage.
The chorus of ‘Good Vibrations’ was well done and timed well and Joel’s solo of ‘I’m Not Going To Wash For A Week’, backed by the alien chorus of Lyndsey Niven, Emelie Ollila and Poppy Brooks, was a joy to listen to, Joel doing an excellent job in an area he has struggled at times before.
The show was also punctuated by some excellent background acting from the cast, reacting to other characters and songs such as during ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine’, a very good performance by Lyndsey, Emilie and Poppy, whose vocals were thankfully not as blotchy as their green make-up.
Having Bill Harding on piano – doing a stirling job on tracks of mixed tempos – really benefited this production over the PA songs of the 24-hour show, not drowning out the singing of the solos.
Rachel Mitchell was back up next, performing a fantastic version of ‘Teenager In Love’, again cementing herself as an asset to the group, the track beautifully sung and acted with passion, though perhaps needing a little bit more volume against the piano.
Joel and Rachel continued to put in great performances, alongside James as the vain Captain, James pulling off his personality well through creative use of props and his hair, which itself almost deserves a credit for its performance, who shone in his version of ‘Young Girl’, even if his moving back and forth across the stage was a little monotonous. Rachel, however, added to the track by some cracking acting as the song continued, clearly getting sadder as she realised her feelings for the captain were not reciprocated.
Next was the welcome return of Anna as Gloria the scientist, dragged back on stage for some more comic acting before we were treated to another enthusiastic and dramatic performance by Dave Jennings, with a catchy adapted version of the Elvis classic ‘All Shook Up’.
But, as the monster burst through the air lock once more, we got a freeze frame from the cast and a funny dramatic summing up from Sara Pietrzik as the narrator, before the interval arrived. Though, even after most of the cast left the stage in the blackout, Dave remained in character on the floor, but luckily he did break out whilst we were downstairs so he didn’t have to lie down for twenty minutes.
After a quick blast of fresh air it was back into the theatre for the second part with the cast back in their freeze frame positions, and some well-timed sound effects as Stuart shot the creature but ultimately met his maker. A green light was used to simulated Gloria’s imprisonment in jail and the second Elvis track of ‘Jailhouse Rock’ re-inforced it, a well performed by the cast, especially considering the tricky dance moves which, for the most part, were performed successfully. The song also got the audience happily clapping along.
The performance of the ‘Shoop, Shoop Song’ that followed by the aliens was almost perfect compared to the original and Rachel continued to shine as Miranda, now in a weird wig, and treating us to track ‘Robot Man’ and excelling at it. Plus, it was a good excuse for the cast to burst into doing an adaptation of the Macarena behind her, which Stuart knew he couldn’t miss out on, returning to the stage back from the head but now with a Red Dwarf-inspired hologram H on his forehead.
The plot of the musical continued with a nod to the X Factor reality show – in this case the X Factor formula seemingly kills the robot rather than releasing eight years of tosh into the charts – and the destruction of the monster, before the audience are encouraged to help ‘reverse the polarity flow’ (you know what, I don’t think that’s real science) by repeating the movements from the very early introduction, much to the embarrassment, I might add, of me and my friends!
It turned out in the plot that the X Factor has made Ariel 5000 human, allowing Naomi Fowler to emerge from the restrictions of playing a robot and putting in some great, hilarious acting contributions to the end, bouncing well off Joel as an interesting pair.
At this point it’s also worth noting some other great performances on the night. Sara Pietrzik as the narrator only had a few solo lines other than chorus work but delivered them with comic relish; Joseph Page as a member of the crew was possibly the most enthusiastic member of the crew, especially during ‘Born To Be Wild’ where, between him and David Collinson, the lyrics were brought to life in funny fashion from every wild arm gesture and on-stage hug; plus ‘Andrzej Frelek’ who bounced off the other people on stage in a good role.
Jon Carter and Nartani Nithianandasivam were also integral parts of the cast as well, but I would have liked to have seen more from them.
With the musical coming to a close there was just time for Dave Jennings to deliver a cracking version of the ‘Monster Mash’ before the cast launched into a spirited version of ‘I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper’.
Overall it was another excellent production from BUSOM, with standout performances from Anna Garlick, Rachel Mitchell, Dave Jennings, and Joel Blakemore; four fine comic and well-acted performances, complimented by great turns from James Howe, Naomi Fowler and the rest of the cast, and powerful singing from the trio of aliens.
If there was one criticism I would have is that the performance only came to about fifty-five minutes sans interval and was I hoping for a longer show, but what we did got was well acted, funny and full of great, singable songs, delivered well by an enthusiastic cast, complimented by some excellent piano, sound effects and lighting tricks.
With maybe fewer obvious scripts to rely on and a bit more material it would have been a practically flawless production but, as always, going to see a performance by BUSOM is not a disappointment, and I look forward once more to their next production, ‘Around The World In 80 Minutes’, just in time for Christmas.
[7.5 / 10]
Cast:
Captain Tempest – James Howe
Gloria – Anna Garlick
Miranda – Rachel Mitchell
Prospero – Dave Jennings
Ariel 5000 – Naomi Fowler
Cookie – Joel Blakemore
Boson – Andrzej Frelek
Steward – Emily Bennett
Narrator – Sara Pietrzik
Crewman – Joseph Page
Aliens – Poppy Brooks, Lyndsey Niven, Emelie Ollila
Redshirts – Daniel Ratcliffe, Stuart Sellens
Chorus – Jon Carter, David Collinson, Nartani Nithianandasivam
Directors – Christine Brighouse-Johnson, Bill Harding, Zoe Howe
Piano Man – Bill Harding
Crew – Mike Bedford, Nicki Bedford, Kate Concannon
Thursday 10th November 2011; Theatre In The Mill
Engine Oil. he Tiger, The Wizard and the Closet. Cold Mikado. Alternative titles to musicals that there could be, but it was ‘Voyage to the Prohibited Planet’ that BUSOM – Bradford University Society of Operettas and Musicals - chose as the title of their latest production, a scratch based on the 1980s musical ‘Return to the Forbidden Planet’ which, itself, is based on the 1950s movie ‘Forbidden Planet’ which, just to add another layer of confusion, is based on Shakespeare’s play ‘The Tempest’.
(Though I’m pretty sure there are no aliens with boppers on their heads, robots or 12-foot space creatures in Shakespeare’s play, but please let me know if I’m wrong).
The musical tells the story of a surveying crew of space pilots who, under the command of Captain Tempest, enter a meteor storm and have to land on the planet D’illyria, where they meet Doctor Prospero, a mad scientist, and his daughter and robot, attracted by his promise to fix their ship. Through their encounters on the planet they learn about Doctor Prospero’s mysterious mind-altering ‘X Factor’ formulation and how the science officer is actually his long-lost wife, plus fight against a 12-foot monster that enters through the airlock.
Throughout the dialogue the musical is peppered with 1950s and 1960s rock ‘n’ roll tunes.
So, with a nice pint of real cider in hand, I wandered up into the theatre to witness the BUSOM production, their first since their recent 24-hour show production of ‘Fame’. And whereas that performance was peppered with forgotten lines, missed cues and improvisation – run of the mill when you consider the nature of how long they had to learn the piece and no reflection on how much fun it was to watch – this was a much slicker affair with minimal set – it amounted to nothing more than a dozen chairs, some music stands and a black curtain – but a lot of fun to be had and some impressive sound and lighting effects scattered through it.
The opening of the musical was possible the most unusual that I’d been to with the cast encouraging everyone to put their hands on their head and make raspberry sounds in the style of an aeroplane safety briefing. Nothing like breaking the ice there. And for those of you wondering why, it would be explained later.
It was then onto the main production with James Howe taking the lead role of Captain Tempest, possessing possible the biggest, if you mind the pun, visual joke of the evening, wearing a metallic badge on his jumper that looked like a, er, rocket with two large exhaust bits. If you’ve seen the second Austin Powers film you’ll know what I’m getting at. If you haven’t then you are in possession of a clean mind and I salute you!
His costume was one of a handful of remarkable tops, from the three ‘aliens’ covered in green body paint and boppers to Stuart’s remarkably genuine looking Star Trek top. If I didn’t know better I’d say he had it already in his wardrobe when the musical was planned, but that’s only a guess. But I’m right.
As Captain Tempest James was a well-chosen lead, with a good sense of humour in his acting and a good voice to carry off the tracks, even if he did have to rely on a folder for some lines and music, a technique carried over from the 24-hour show and used by a lot of the cast during the piece, which I wasn’t expecting as they usually are good at being script-less.
His duet on the classic ‘It’s A Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World’ with Anna Garlick as science officer Gloria was both funny and well executed and Anna’s performance throughout the show was a highlight, proving to be an exceptional character actor and very funny visually, whilst also being able to carry off the songs.
It was after this song that the effort put into the effects in the production showed off, with great used of strobe and sound effects to really simulate a ship in distress, and it was always inevitable when casting Daniel Ratcliffe and Stuart Sellens as redshirts, that they’d both get killed throughout the course of the play, with Daniel being the first of several victims to the monster.
As the musical continued on there was one thing that annoyed me about it, and that’s more down to the nature of the musical and the truncated form, rather than BUSOM’S performance of it, but it reminded by of the musical ‘We Will Rock You’ which I had the mixed-pleasure of seeing a while ago, where songs are set-up awkwardly in the script with lines such as ‘We’re going to crash. Great balls of fire!’ being the Forbidden Planet equivalent of ‘To get there, we have to cross the Seven Seas of Rhye – queue song!’. But that’s a bugbear of my own and more, as I say, down to the nature of the play.
This did at least have the improvement over the Queen musical in having a backing chorus of aliens and no bastardised lyrics of ‘Radio Ga Ga’, though some of the songs were tweaked here and there to fit in with the plot.
We now got to the point of the ship crashing on the planet, with Dave Jennings as Prospero once more diving into the deliciously evil role with gusto, managing to keep his performance just on the right side of hamming it up but also being one of the strongest male singers of the evening. Naomi Fowler got to play robot Ariel 5000 – which sounds to me like a really powerful detergent or a futuristic Little Mermaid, but I digress – being intentionally very robotic in her performance and being happy to stand on stage with painted card strapped in front of her and a Chinese take-away container on her head.
(We’ve all been there of course, just not necessarily in front of an audience, just at home after FND).
Rachel Mitchell played Miranda, Prospero’s daughter, reprising her smitten-teenager role from the 24-hour show and being even better at it, being possibly the most enthusiastic and believable character on the stage. I hope to see more of her in future productions as she has really excelled in her two appearances so far.
It was also at this point that Joel Blakemore, the ship’s Shakespeare-spouting chef ‘Cookie’, came into his own, once more proving he’s worth being cast with another hilarious portrayal of a down-on-his-luck character, thoroughly geeking it up with his performance, use of Sonic Screwdriver, and ability to collapse on stage.
The chorus of ‘Good Vibrations’ was well done and timed well and Joel’s solo of ‘I’m Not Going To Wash For A Week’, backed by the alien chorus of Lyndsey Niven, Emelie Ollila and Poppy Brooks, was a joy to listen to, Joel doing an excellent job in an area he has struggled at times before.
The show was also punctuated by some excellent background acting from the cast, reacting to other characters and songs such as during ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine’, a very good performance by Lyndsey, Emilie and Poppy, whose vocals were thankfully not as blotchy as their green make-up.
Having Bill Harding on piano – doing a stirling job on tracks of mixed tempos – really benefited this production over the PA songs of the 24-hour show, not drowning out the singing of the solos.
Rachel Mitchell was back up next, performing a fantastic version of ‘Teenager In Love’, again cementing herself as an asset to the group, the track beautifully sung and acted with passion, though perhaps needing a little bit more volume against the piano.
Joel and Rachel continued to put in great performances, alongside James as the vain Captain, James pulling off his personality well through creative use of props and his hair, which itself almost deserves a credit for its performance, who shone in his version of ‘Young Girl’, even if his moving back and forth across the stage was a little monotonous. Rachel, however, added to the track by some cracking acting as the song continued, clearly getting sadder as she realised her feelings for the captain were not reciprocated.
Next was the welcome return of Anna as Gloria the scientist, dragged back on stage for some more comic acting before we were treated to another enthusiastic and dramatic performance by Dave Jennings, with a catchy adapted version of the Elvis classic ‘All Shook Up’.
But, as the monster burst through the air lock once more, we got a freeze frame from the cast and a funny dramatic summing up from Sara Pietrzik as the narrator, before the interval arrived. Though, even after most of the cast left the stage in the blackout, Dave remained in character on the floor, but luckily he did break out whilst we were downstairs so he didn’t have to lie down for twenty minutes.
After a quick blast of fresh air it was back into the theatre for the second part with the cast back in their freeze frame positions, and some well-timed sound effects as Stuart shot the creature but ultimately met his maker. A green light was used to simulated Gloria’s imprisonment in jail and the second Elvis track of ‘Jailhouse Rock’ re-inforced it, a well performed by the cast, especially considering the tricky dance moves which, for the most part, were performed successfully. The song also got the audience happily clapping along.
The performance of the ‘Shoop, Shoop Song’ that followed by the aliens was almost perfect compared to the original and Rachel continued to shine as Miranda, now in a weird wig, and treating us to track ‘Robot Man’ and excelling at it. Plus, it was a good excuse for the cast to burst into doing an adaptation of the Macarena behind her, which Stuart knew he couldn’t miss out on, returning to the stage back from the head but now with a Red Dwarf-inspired hologram H on his forehead.
The plot of the musical continued with a nod to the X Factor reality show – in this case the X Factor formula seemingly kills the robot rather than releasing eight years of tosh into the charts – and the destruction of the monster, before the audience are encouraged to help ‘reverse the polarity flow’ (you know what, I don’t think that’s real science) by repeating the movements from the very early introduction, much to the embarrassment, I might add, of me and my friends!
It turned out in the plot that the X Factor has made Ariel 5000 human, allowing Naomi Fowler to emerge from the restrictions of playing a robot and putting in some great, hilarious acting contributions to the end, bouncing well off Joel as an interesting pair.
At this point it’s also worth noting some other great performances on the night. Sara Pietrzik as the narrator only had a few solo lines other than chorus work but delivered them with comic relish; Joseph Page as a member of the crew was possibly the most enthusiastic member of the crew, especially during ‘Born To Be Wild’ where, between him and David Collinson, the lyrics were brought to life in funny fashion from every wild arm gesture and on-stage hug; plus ‘Andrzej Frelek’ who bounced off the other people on stage in a good role.
Jon Carter and Nartani Nithianandasivam were also integral parts of the cast as well, but I would have liked to have seen more from them.
With the musical coming to a close there was just time for Dave Jennings to deliver a cracking version of the ‘Monster Mash’ before the cast launched into a spirited version of ‘I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper’.
Overall it was another excellent production from BUSOM, with standout performances from Anna Garlick, Rachel Mitchell, Dave Jennings, and Joel Blakemore; four fine comic and well-acted performances, complimented by great turns from James Howe, Naomi Fowler and the rest of the cast, and powerful singing from the trio of aliens.
If there was one criticism I would have is that the performance only came to about fifty-five minutes sans interval and was I hoping for a longer show, but what we did got was well acted, funny and full of great, singable songs, delivered well by an enthusiastic cast, complimented by some excellent piano, sound effects and lighting tricks.
With maybe fewer obvious scripts to rely on and a bit more material it would have been a practically flawless production but, as always, going to see a performance by BUSOM is not a disappointment, and I look forward once more to their next production, ‘Around The World In 80 Minutes’, just in time for Christmas.
[7.5 / 10]
Cast:
Captain Tempest – James Howe
Gloria – Anna Garlick
Miranda – Rachel Mitchell
Prospero – Dave Jennings
Ariel 5000 – Naomi Fowler
Cookie – Joel Blakemore
Boson – Andrzej Frelek
Steward – Emily Bennett
Narrator – Sara Pietrzik
Crewman – Joseph Page
Aliens – Poppy Brooks, Lyndsey Niven, Emelie Ollila
Redshirts – Daniel Ratcliffe, Stuart Sellens
Chorus – Jon Carter, David Collinson, Nartani Nithianandasivam
Directors – Christine Brighouse-Johnson, Bill Harding, Zoe Howe
Piano Man – Bill Harding
Crew – Mike Bedford, Nicki Bedford, Kate Concannon
Sunday 6 November 2011
The Shepley Lion: News in the Roar
Today is a classic example of how the Internet can make wacky stories develop a life of their own.
Earlier in the day one of my friends re-tweeted a National Rail post that a lion had been spotted crossing a train line with a cub near Shepley near Huddersfield. No matter how unlikely this seems - if it does exist then it must have escaped from some sort of private zoo unless it's picked West Yorkshire as an unusual holiday destination - it's really come alive on the internet, covered by the BBC, The Guardian, The Belfast Telegraph, The Huffington Post, and many others you can find from a quick Google search.
But it doesn't stop there in the world of social networks. Already the lion is on Twitter (@shepley_lion) and there is even now a lion cuddly toy available for purchase on Amazon. Granted it's a standard toy with a PhotoShopped t-shirt print but still, I kid you not.
I'm off to bed now. If I don't wake up in the morning to find it has a Facebook fan page and a blog I'll be disappointed. And if it's not covered in the Sun with a headline like 'Lion spotted on the Mane-Line' or 'Leaves on the line? No lion on the line' I'll be upset.
Earlier in the day one of my friends re-tweeted a National Rail post that a lion had been spotted crossing a train line with a cub near Shepley near Huddersfield. No matter how unlikely this seems - if it does exist then it must have escaped from some sort of private zoo unless it's picked West Yorkshire as an unusual holiday destination - it's really come alive on the internet, covered by the BBC, The Guardian, The Belfast Telegraph, The Huffington Post, and many others you can find from a quick Google search.
But it doesn't stop there in the world of social networks. Already the lion is on Twitter (@shepley_lion) and there is even now a lion cuddly toy available for purchase on Amazon. Granted it's a standard toy with a PhotoShopped t-shirt print but still, I kid you not.
I'm off to bed now. If I don't wake up in the morning to find it has a Facebook fan page and a blog I'll be disappointed. And if it's not covered in the Sun with a headline like 'Lion spotted on the Mane-Line' or 'Leaves on the line? No lion on the line' I'll be upset.
Thursday 3 November 2011
It's time once more to battle with charity symbolism....
It’s that time again when I play the eternal battle that faces most people each year. You want to support the cause but in doing so leads you to two weeks of a continuous fight with your clothing, a pin, your conscience and your over garments.
Yes; I’m talking about the humble poppy.
Now, I support the reasons behind wearing a poppy and am happy to wear mine with pride. I don’t write into ‘Points of View’ to deride news readers and every presenter from Countryfile to Balamory (is that still on?) wearing them on TV from mid-July, or however early it is they wear them these days; I don’t particularly support the wars we might be involved in but want to support our soldiers both past and present; and I don’t mind wearing the red one over a “white” poppy. But what I don’t enjoy is the total faff that wearing a poppy brings.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to make out that wearing a poppy is a real trial, as if doing so is really difficult like nuclear fusion, building a space rocket or trying to work out just how Nicki Minaj comes up with the lyrics to her song. It’s just an annual annoyance that really gets my goat.
Let’s start by trying to find a poppy. Now, where I work at the University of Bradford, you can rely on them having them at main reception, where I picked up my first (notice the word first, and remember it). But elsewhere it’s tricky to find them. As I wandered through town there was no one selling them in the street, weird considering you usually have to bat away charity sellers down the main street like the pilot in film ‘Airplane!’, and there were none on sale in Morrisons, which is weird considering you can already buy Christmas crackers and puddings seven weeks ahead of time but nothing for, like, eight days away. It’s almost like you have to hunt them down to find them, and surely it shouldn’t be like that?
Secondly, once you’ve found a poppy and purchased one, the struggle then begins to keep it on your clothes. For reasons unknown to me, each year they insist on selling the poppy in two-parts, like a really boring Kinder toy: the poppy, and a pin. Now, when you buy an AIDS or cancer ribbon, or get a badge free in your favourite magazine, they’ve invented the technology of the safety pin that is, you know, attached to the thing. You open the pin, slip it through your clothes and, voila, it’s attached to your outfit and only a very heavy wind, a Tom and Jerry-style magnet, or Chuck Norris is going to remove it. But, for some reason the Royal Legion think that a pin is ample to allow you to keep hold of your poppy for a week.
And herein lies the flaw. From my experience it’s fine if you always wear nice linen shirts which the pin stays in pretty happily. But if you wear a t-shirt or, heaven forbid, something woollen or bobbly, you might as well just buy your poppy and chuck it immediately on the floor as if you don’t really like it.
Even a small blob of your favourite brand of blu-tac style adhesive on the end fails to provide a permanent solution as that soon shuffles its way off the end of the pin and falls to the floor, only to be followed by the poppy in some sort of weird clothing suicide pact.
You can spend five minutes carefully pushing the pin through your top, ensuring you don’t snag too much fabric so there’s plenty of pin-end left to compensate for the movement of your clothing, and still within half a day the pin will have wriggled free, allowing your poppy to make its escape on the floor somewhere, meaning you have to spend the whole day re-tracing your steps to find it like some sort of sub-par orienteering day trip; add the pin to your collection of them; or buy a new one.
Not that I’m against paying another pound for a new poppy – it goes to a good cause after all – but I’d rather spend extra and buy one where the poppy actually comes with a safety pin attached.
Now for the past couple of years I have been in the possession of an enamel poppy badge which does come with an attached pin but even this has its flaws. Firstly, it’s smaller than the usual poppy so it doesn’t really show the support as much; secondly, as I have done, you put it somewhere safe and lose it between each Remembrance Sunday, especially when you’ve moved twice in twelve months as I have. And, if you want to buy a new one, good luck. They’re rarer than the ordinary poppies.
So, that leaves you with Hobson’s choice of sticking with the traditional poppy, the one that moves around more than the head of the caravan club as you, as etiquette and social standing dictates, change your clothes on a daily basis. One day it might be fine; the next, as you choose to wear a more flexible t-shirt, the poppy makes a bid for freedom.
One solution would be to stay in the same clothes for a fortnight, but that brings with it its own pitfalls. Like a lack of friends and people avoiding you. And stickiness.
If you are lucky enough to keep hold of your poppy then having one leads to an unfortunate tic. You know, as you sit at your desk, or in meetings, constantly fiddling with it to a) ensure it’s still there and not blowing away down the corridor; b) there’s enough pin-end left that it’s not going to wriggle to freedom; and c) it’s not curling up to form the poppy equivalent of those wrapped wafers you get in posh coffee shops. If people didn’t think you were eccentric before they will after you constantly look like you’re inspecting your left nipple all the time.
Somewhere I believe there is, next to the fridge mountain and wine lake, a pile of poppies a mile high, somewhere outside Glamorgan, where all the free poppies have blown off people’s tops, ready to be gathered up, dusted down and re-sold. I swear I saw it on Google Earth.
And, of course, in between losing your poppy and finding somewhere that actually sells them, you are poppy-less and thus feel like, even though this probably isn’t the case, everyone is looking at you disparagingly for not wearing a poppy.
For next year I’m going to get a t-shirt printed that has a large picture of a poppy on the front that says ‘I bought a poppy but the stupid pin is as much use as Gordon Ramsey at a Weight Watchers meeting for the easily offended’ and just donate a fiver to the cause instead.
In conclusion I agree with the cause behind poppies and I think people should wear them but I think they need to sort it out. A minimum of £2 in these times of inflation is not much to ask in exchange for a poppy that comes with its own attached safety pin, and having them available at more places. You can get cash back at Morrisons, why not poppy back (and sexy back if they have time, but that’s for another discussion…)?
I’m not against giving them more than a quid; after all I must buy about five poppies per season, when a season is only two weeks. It’s like Man United replacing their striker every match throughout their season because they fall off the terraces and disappear, only left with a small metallic souvenir. You wouldn’t expect to purchase half a dozen pumpkins in the run up to Hallowe’en or replace your Christmas tree every week as it doesn’t stay up. So why should we put up with it in the run up to Remembrance Sunday.
[You can, of course, keep replacing eggs at Easter. Yum.]
I can walk into any pub round here and purchase from a vending machine tampons, condoms, inflatable sheep and god knows what else that you can get for £2.00. Why not poppies? Or at least gaffer tape to affix it to your chest like some sort of bomb.
I want to wear a poppy with pride but at the moment the poppy appeal is not that appealing. I can’t support it well if every time I change my top, move or sneeze I have to re-align it, ensure it’s still on and fiddle with it like I’ve got OCD and demand it be perpendicular to my beard.
Sort it out somebody. Else I’ll be buying one of those sticky ones you get for cars and attaching it to my chest, looking like some floral version of Iron Man.
Or maybe just an idiot.
Phil bought his first poppy on October 27th and it stayed with him for four days. He’s currently on the hunt to purchase his second. So don’t judge him for not wearing one, OK!
Yes; I’m talking about the humble poppy.
Now, I support the reasons behind wearing a poppy and am happy to wear mine with pride. I don’t write into ‘Points of View’ to deride news readers and every presenter from Countryfile to Balamory (is that still on?) wearing them on TV from mid-July, or however early it is they wear them these days; I don’t particularly support the wars we might be involved in but want to support our soldiers both past and present; and I don’t mind wearing the red one over a “white” poppy. But what I don’t enjoy is the total faff that wearing a poppy brings.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to make out that wearing a poppy is a real trial, as if doing so is really difficult like nuclear fusion, building a space rocket or trying to work out just how Nicki Minaj comes up with the lyrics to her song. It’s just an annual annoyance that really gets my goat.
Let’s start by trying to find a poppy. Now, where I work at the University of Bradford, you can rely on them having them at main reception, where I picked up my first (notice the word first, and remember it). But elsewhere it’s tricky to find them. As I wandered through town there was no one selling them in the street, weird considering you usually have to bat away charity sellers down the main street like the pilot in film ‘Airplane!’, and there were none on sale in Morrisons, which is weird considering you can already buy Christmas crackers and puddings seven weeks ahead of time but nothing for, like, eight days away. It’s almost like you have to hunt them down to find them, and surely it shouldn’t be like that?
Secondly, once you’ve found a poppy and purchased one, the struggle then begins to keep it on your clothes. For reasons unknown to me, each year they insist on selling the poppy in two-parts, like a really boring Kinder toy: the poppy, and a pin. Now, when you buy an AIDS or cancer ribbon, or get a badge free in your favourite magazine, they’ve invented the technology of the safety pin that is, you know, attached to the thing. You open the pin, slip it through your clothes and, voila, it’s attached to your outfit and only a very heavy wind, a Tom and Jerry-style magnet, or Chuck Norris is going to remove it. But, for some reason the Royal Legion think that a pin is ample to allow you to keep hold of your poppy for a week.
And herein lies the flaw. From my experience it’s fine if you always wear nice linen shirts which the pin stays in pretty happily. But if you wear a t-shirt or, heaven forbid, something woollen or bobbly, you might as well just buy your poppy and chuck it immediately on the floor as if you don’t really like it.
Even a small blob of your favourite brand of blu-tac style adhesive on the end fails to provide a permanent solution as that soon shuffles its way off the end of the pin and falls to the floor, only to be followed by the poppy in some sort of weird clothing suicide pact.
You can spend five minutes carefully pushing the pin through your top, ensuring you don’t snag too much fabric so there’s plenty of pin-end left to compensate for the movement of your clothing, and still within half a day the pin will have wriggled free, allowing your poppy to make its escape on the floor somewhere, meaning you have to spend the whole day re-tracing your steps to find it like some sort of sub-par orienteering day trip; add the pin to your collection of them; or buy a new one.
Not that I’m against paying another pound for a new poppy – it goes to a good cause after all – but I’d rather spend extra and buy one where the poppy actually comes with a safety pin attached.
Now for the past couple of years I have been in the possession of an enamel poppy badge which does come with an attached pin but even this has its flaws. Firstly, it’s smaller than the usual poppy so it doesn’t really show the support as much; secondly, as I have done, you put it somewhere safe and lose it between each Remembrance Sunday, especially when you’ve moved twice in twelve months as I have. And, if you want to buy a new one, good luck. They’re rarer than the ordinary poppies.
So, that leaves you with Hobson’s choice of sticking with the traditional poppy, the one that moves around more than the head of the caravan club as you, as etiquette and social standing dictates, change your clothes on a daily basis. One day it might be fine; the next, as you choose to wear a more flexible t-shirt, the poppy makes a bid for freedom.
One solution would be to stay in the same clothes for a fortnight, but that brings with it its own pitfalls. Like a lack of friends and people avoiding you. And stickiness.
If you are lucky enough to keep hold of your poppy then having one leads to an unfortunate tic. You know, as you sit at your desk, or in meetings, constantly fiddling with it to a) ensure it’s still there and not blowing away down the corridor; b) there’s enough pin-end left that it’s not going to wriggle to freedom; and c) it’s not curling up to form the poppy equivalent of those wrapped wafers you get in posh coffee shops. If people didn’t think you were eccentric before they will after you constantly look like you’re inspecting your left nipple all the time.
Somewhere I believe there is, next to the fridge mountain and wine lake, a pile of poppies a mile high, somewhere outside Glamorgan, where all the free poppies have blown off people’s tops, ready to be gathered up, dusted down and re-sold. I swear I saw it on Google Earth.
And, of course, in between losing your poppy and finding somewhere that actually sells them, you are poppy-less and thus feel like, even though this probably isn’t the case, everyone is looking at you disparagingly for not wearing a poppy.
For next year I’m going to get a t-shirt printed that has a large picture of a poppy on the front that says ‘I bought a poppy but the stupid pin is as much use as Gordon Ramsey at a Weight Watchers meeting for the easily offended’ and just donate a fiver to the cause instead.
In conclusion I agree with the cause behind poppies and I think people should wear them but I think they need to sort it out. A minimum of £2 in these times of inflation is not much to ask in exchange for a poppy that comes with its own attached safety pin, and having them available at more places. You can get cash back at Morrisons, why not poppy back (and sexy back if they have time, but that’s for another discussion…)?
I’m not against giving them more than a quid; after all I must buy about five poppies per season, when a season is only two weeks. It’s like Man United replacing their striker every match throughout their season because they fall off the terraces and disappear, only left with a small metallic souvenir. You wouldn’t expect to purchase half a dozen pumpkins in the run up to Hallowe’en or replace your Christmas tree every week as it doesn’t stay up. So why should we put up with it in the run up to Remembrance Sunday.
[You can, of course, keep replacing eggs at Easter. Yum.]
I can walk into any pub round here and purchase from a vending machine tampons, condoms, inflatable sheep and god knows what else that you can get for £2.00. Why not poppies? Or at least gaffer tape to affix it to your chest like some sort of bomb.
I want to wear a poppy with pride but at the moment the poppy appeal is not that appealing. I can’t support it well if every time I change my top, move or sneeze I have to re-align it, ensure it’s still on and fiddle with it like I’ve got OCD and demand it be perpendicular to my beard.
Sort it out somebody. Else I’ll be buying one of those sticky ones you get for cars and attaching it to my chest, looking like some floral version of Iron Man.
Or maybe just an idiot.
Phil bought his first poppy on October 27th and it stayed with him for four days. He’s currently on the hunt to purchase his second. So don’t judge him for not wearing one, OK!
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