Thanks in part to two key names
David Beckham and Sebastian Coe
Would now go on to run the show
We beat the French to host the games
And not soon after we heard complaints
“We’re coming into a deep recession
“Has the Government not learnt its lesson?”
But the building began and up it grew
From East end wasteland coming up anew
New stadia built, impressive looking
Regenerated land was up and coming
But what of the stadium when the Olympics end?
For one football club it would be a god send
Crazily Hotspurs just wanted the land
Why demolish a new building? So we chose West Ham
The parodies were quite fair
Twenty Twelve was on air
Not too far from the truths
With their fictional goofs
The new logo was shown
And one fact it was known
A child of about ten
Could have done a better attempt
The graffiti style would have been seen
As appealing quite well to the British teen
It showed 2012 but what we all saw instead
Was Lisa from the Simpsons giving some head
And so 2012 came and arrived here quite fast
And the stadia was finished with time spare – aghast!
Will the transport plan set out be up to the strain?
With newly painted obvious Olympic car lanes?
We would get a new cable car crossing the Thames
Which would go at two speeds during the games
But we didn’t quite know when it got a little hot
That mid journey over it would break down and stop
The Olympic torch started its journey around
Going here, going there, to all cities and towns
With bad weather and nudists and protesters a test
But still the flame travelled and completed its quest
It went in a rowing boat, went on a zip wire
As 95% of Britains saw the great fire
And it went to Lands End and John O’Groats later
Not bad for something looking like a cheese grater
And people looked proud as they ran with the flame
Even if all TV footage looked pretty much the same
(And did you know you could buy your torch by the way
And make a nice profit by flogging it on eBay)
As the games came much nearer the news got quite mean
As we found out that Beckham had been dropped by the team
And after poor shows in sport in Wimbledon and the Euros
We looked forward to better from our Olympic heroes
But we didn’t realise that G4S guards didn’t show
And we were left with a shortfall with two weeks to go
So we drafted in coppers and soldiers back from Iraq
And demanded that G4S pay some money back
But the benefit it seems of having soldiers on hand
Coming back from defending us in foreign lands
Was when there were seats left empty in farces
They could be filled by our boys sat down on their arses
The football kicked off the Olympic games
With Scotland hosting two footballing teams
But there was only one major snag
Some idiot with PowerPoint Googled the wrong bloody flag
North Korea were miffed, insulted away from London
Which is not good for a country with its finger on the button
The apology was swift, the error repealed
Allowing the team to come back on the field
And just when it was starting, oh how we did laugh
When Presidental hopeful Mitt Romney made quite such a gaff
He said that a few thing maybe “were disconcerting”
But we sent him back to his home country smarting
(It was quite incredible really
It did quite astound
That we got behind Boris
On the moral high ground)
We got some new tunes like ‘Survival’ by Muse
And to be honest it was a bit rubbish, not a song I would choose
I’d rather have a song promoting competitive drinking
‘The Beer Olympics’ by the Lancashire Hotpots is what I am thinking!
And so soon came the opening ceremony directed by Boyle
And lots of actors, and nurses and animals did toil
To bring us a spectacular feast for the senses
(Which is quite good as it was quite expensive)
We enjoyed some Victorian dancing and chimneys that grew
And an inflatable Voldermort and a Mary Poppins or two
Oh how we laughed when we saw Mr Bean
But that was topped by a parachuting queen
You’ve not seen an opening that will make you smirk
Unless you throw from a plane your reigning monarch
The music was great, (the lesbian kiss perhaps a little rude)
But after the Jubilee Concert who wanted Paul’s Hey Jude?
There were lots of great moments, too many to name
From the sound of a TARDIS to youths lighting the flame
Which was similar to last year but different as well
As they weren’t looting shops at the same time looking for things to sell
But it wasn’t all smooth running, it went onto quite early
The athlete walk-past was tedious, and don’t mention Aidan Burley
An MP criticising the multiculturalism and saying it’s quite lefty
And being a little racist about the London opening ceremony
Just say the social networks got really quite bitter
And he got a drubbing when posting on Twitter
And then there was that sight, was it just a dream
But who was that woman with the Indian team?
The ceremony ended the actors went to the pub
And fell asleep and didn’t see the NBC snub
Cutting out crucial elements like the 7/7 dance piece
And the kiss between two women that even went out in the Middle East
And the games then began, the first day of a huge feat
Just the shame that there were just so many empty seats
Coe said it is fine, the seats are filled to the gunnels
But seats were still empty, it wasn’t that funny
Transport was going, it can be said, reasonably well
With little reported gridlocking hell
And to prove it was quite progressive and not such a boob
We saw David Cameron riding the tube
The medals started coming though we were behind China
With a silver for Armitstead, with the Bronze behind her
No luck for the road race they ended up not quite winning
Thank God for Adlington getting a bronze in the swimming
With Paula Radcliffe out of the marathon due to a sprain
And questions about the cauldron no longer with flame,
With Tom Daley in fourth and Swiss footballing racism
All we wanted was a little bit of sporting escapism
So what will come next on this Olympic journey
Which athletes it seems will be going home early?
How many people will see all the records?
After problems with seats, flags and security guards?
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